2 years ago today

We had a party today at our house for Karsen's 2nd birthday. My baby boy will be 2 years old tomorrow! It was a smaller party than last year, mostly family, actually all but 2 people were family. I'll post more about his party later.

2 years ago today Shaun and I got the call that we had been waiting on pins and needles for. The call from the birth mother ("bm")that she was in labor and our son was on his way! With her previous pregnancies bm delivered within 3 hours of going into labor so we were sooo worried that we wouldn't make it in time for Karsen's birth. We weren't even packed when we got the call. We had to drive all the way to Evansville...which is 3 hours away from our house. Plus, we had the dog that we had to drop off at my parents house on the way down there. I remember shaking when I got off the phone. I remember how frantically Shaun and I packed. It was really cold out, but we didn't know what the weather was going to be like "down south" so we packed t-shirts to sweaters. I also had to pack baby clothes, etc. Cameras, batteries, underwear, toothbrush, dog stuff, shoes, check check check. We got the call late in the evening, I think it was about 8:00 pm.

We threw what we could in the car and proceeded to HAUL IT to Evansville. Thankfully the call was at night and there wasn't much traffic. I would have probably clawed someone's eyes out if it were rush hour or pouring down rain or had anything slowed us down. I remember asking Shaun a few times on the way down there if I could drive because I have never had a ticket and I was willing to risk one just to be able to drive fast. He was driving fast, but I wanted to go faster of course:) We met my parents at the end of their road and dumped off the dog and took of. It was about a 90 second pit stop. When we got to the hospital we ran in..found out what room she was in..knocked..went in...felt uncomfortable....met some of her friends/family...and found out her labor had stalled. She was stuck at 5 cm. Her first 4 deliveries happened within 3 hours of going into labor..yet her 5th delivery (the special one)had waited. What a sigh of relief!

We spent the next 12 hours in the room with her. It was odd to be sitting in the room on a couch at the foot of her bed just waiting for our son. I didn't know what to do or say. I tried to make sure I didn't give away our last name, where we lived or the fact that I had family that lived close by. We were advised by our attorney to not let her know that my parents lived 30 min away and I had a cousin who lived about 2 min from the hospital. We told her we got a hotel room when in reality we stayed with my cousin on the first night and with my parents for the rest of the week.

I think the 12 hours or more that we waited on Karsen was one of the longest moments in my life. Shaun and I took breaks, we called family or friends (when it wasn't the middle of the night) and we ate our meals from the vending machines. We had our couple time, our last moment of being just the 2 of us. Our "bm" was a trooper. No epidural, I think she had 1 pain shot via her IV. No local. The ended up having to break her water and give her pitocin, both of which were foreign to her. After that was done she went from 5cm to 10 cm in no time flat. I think the last few contractions she had she was uncomfortable. I'm not sure what was going on with her, but she started crying. Maybe it's when they broke her water, I can't remember. I remember I started to break down. Part of it was from lack of sleep, but most of it was my nerves and my feelings of weightless joy and disbelief. I went in the bathroom that was across the hallway from her room and I had a breakdown. I had my own special moment of insanity. There is only so long a person can hold in their emotions. My throat was killing me from trying not to lose it in the delivery room. I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. I was stressed, nervous, uncomfortable, excited and every other feeling there is. I couldn't believe what was about to happen. I was forever greatful. I felt honored that she picked us, but doubted my abilities to be a mother.

I tried to pull myself together and I made it back in the room. About 2.3 seconds after I got back in the room I lost it again. I remember crying to Shaun and hearing "bm" ask her family member if I was ok. If I was ok! I remember the family member telling her "yes she's ok, she's probably just nervous". I couldn't respond. I was embarassed that I was the one losing it. I'm an emotional person.

The rest happened so fast I didn't have a chance to do much. I remember her saying she needed to push and the nurse telling her not yet. I remember about 10 people coming in the room for the delivery and I remember feeling like I was in the way..but not caring:) Dammit I was getting a front row seat, I'd been waiting for over 12 hours, not to mention about 7 years prior to that. The doctor and the staff were getting on their "baby catching gear" and before the doctor was done "bm" said I need to push and then Karsen was there..out at last and on the bed! The bed wasn't broken down, she wasn't in stirrups, the doctor wasn't really ready, it wasn't a strenuous delivery with a lot of pushing and breathing, etc. You know who was ready? Shaun and I:) Haha! We had our camera out and ready and we were standing up and right there in on it. No one ever told us to move or step back, it was awesome. I can't remember what I said to Karsen first, but I know I kept telling him it was ok and telling him that the nurse was mean (she was giving him shots, etc.). While they were fixing him up I went over to "bm" and hugged her and while we were both crying I mustered out the words "thank you, he's perfect and a dream come true" It was definitely a defining moment in my life.

I remember when they were done cleaning him, weighing him, sticking him, tagging him, etc. they bundled him all up and asked who wanted him. Of course I was 2 seconds away from snatching him from the nurse, but the calmer side of me slowed down. I asked "bm" if she would like to hold him. I figured it was the least I could do. She said no and that we should hold him first. I asked Shaun if he would like to hold him, I knew he'd never held a baby before and I wanted to see him hold him. He told me that I should hold him first. SO I DID:) It was an At Last moment for sure. I finally gave him to Shaun and he held him. He didn't know what he was doing, but he did fine. He was so stiff, it was cute. I was taking pictures and videos of them and Shaun told Karsen "it's ok I don't know what I'm doing". ha! It was such a moment, a moment I'd waited a long time to witness. My husband holding our child.

I love my little boy more than life itself. I can't believe he's a "little boy" now and not my baby. He seems like such a little boy to me now all of the sudden. He's getting big boy haircuts, he feeds himself and he goes down the slide without help. I didn't realize how fast time flies when they are little until I actually experienced it for myself. It really does feel like yesterday that he was a year old and we were excited that he had started walking. Now I'm excited that I'm hearing him speak a new word daily. I look at him all the time and think about the man that he will grow into. I think about his wedding day and about how I'll be the one in the front row bawling. Maybe they will have a bathroom across the hall that I can go in to have my breakdown. I think about his graduation, his prom, his first car, his first lost tooth, his first bike without training wheels, his first broken heart, etc. Sometimes I get caught up in the stress of life and I sadly forget to stop and smell the roses. I'm not going to sugar coat him, Karsen can be a handful..most of the time lately. He's definitely getting into the terrible 2 stage. I will do my best to be more patient. I know children learn from example and I don't want him to sense my stress. He got a lot of neat outdoor toys for his birthday so we will be spending a lot of time in his new sandbox, his pool and in the backyard on the swing set. I like being able to be a kid again. Hey mommy likes the pool and the sandbox:) He amazes me everyday and celebrating the day that he was brought into the world is so much fun. It's something you can never get a "do over" in. You only get one first time to become a parent.